Currently Listening We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things By Jason Mraz lucky see related

Wow...it has been a long time for sure..xanga has changed alot, it took me like 20 minutes just to figure out how to post a blog.

Where do I begin? First off-it's way past my bedtime so please pardon any rambling/incoherent thought that I may post..which very well could be this entire entry.

Life as of lately has been crazy. This Summer so far has been busy-mostly filled with work. I started the Summer with two jobs-then dwindled it down to one full time job with occasional side work with photography. Honestly, I'm tired of working. Since school let out in mid April I haven't felt like I have had a chance to slow down at all. I still have that tight feeling in my chest-that anxiety that keeps me running from place to place. I keep thinking I'll adjust & then start to relax, but the weeks have been flying by & it still hasn't happened. I just feel like I'm being pulled from all directions-at work I have to be on my toes all the time-my family never stops complaining that they never see me, my friends have all but asked me if I've died, and while keeping my relationship happy & healthy with Ian isn't work for me or something I would ever complain about-it does take time & effort & energy which are all things I've been short of lately. To sum it up-I'm burnt out.
I'm especially not looking foward to school this fall. I registered for my classes tonight, which thanks to my idiocy I did a week too late. I honest to God forgot to check when my registration date was (which was on the 12th of this month) and when I figured that out tonight I felt like puking. The classes are already mostly full, and the math class I need I may not even be able to take because of mjcs bullshit rules. To sum this up- school sucks ass.
However, not all things suck...my family and I are all healthy-I'm happy as ever with my amazing boyfriend (who WILL change in to the role of being my husband one of these days)  Wow...thats weird to say...he will be my husband... I hate talking to people about this though...everyone can't stop telling how I'm too young, need to experience more life, blagh blagh blagh....here is what I know: I know myself better than anyone else, and I know with every fiber of my being that this is what I want, and what is meant to be. The hardest part of this is just waiting. And money.
Why does money always make things so difficult?
To sum this up-I'm beyong happy & overly excited to be with Ian & planning our future together.

I need to go to bed...................how is everyone else doing?

Currently Listening LP By Landon Pigg Coffee Shop see related

In the last week I've written, and erased 2 blogs, mostly because they didn't sound that far from the ones I wrote when I was 16. Which is funny, because that was basically the premise of what the blogs were about.
Somedays I feel like such a joke being an adult. Somedays, I really feel like I'm just pretending to be a grownup.

The last month has been pretty...horrible. It has been so hectic and eventful, and at the same time, so mundane.

I wish that my problems were the only ones I had to worry about. I wish I could still be a selfish kid sometimes and that be okay.

I wish I had all the right answers.

Currently Listening The Reminder By Feist 1234 see related

I have officially known Ian for 2 years now as of July 9th....it actually feels like I've been with him longer.

It has been a good long while since I have written on here. I was rereading through my old post's trying to find the specific one that I wrote the night I met him. As cheesy & dumb as these little blogs are, I'm glad I kept one. I really haven't thought much about how much I have grown up and changed in the last couple years, but just reading those ridiculous moody post's...it's evident. lol I guess every girl has to go through that phase. However I will say this, for being a moody sad teenager, I was pretty smart about how I handled myself...I had a good poker face in real life, I just did my freaking out on here. Which is good I suppose, but I feel bad for all of you poor saps who read this crap.

In the last 3 months alot has changed. I got a NEW job, finished my second semester of college (with all A's but for one class, I was slighted with a B), bought my own car all by myself, had a major family emergency, finished with my braces,  and beginning to brace myself for the next few crazy months to come. I'm nervous for the next semester to begin. I'm worried I won't be able to work enough to pay my bills with all of my classes. I'm going to be taking 14 units. I would like to say I have adjusted to all of these new things, but some days I want to cry I feel so overwhelmed. I work a lot, at both my new job & with the photography, but who said too much work is bad for you? (umm...I believe every self-help book ever written....but what do those shmucks know?) I'm building character is what I'm doing. Something I think I was very lacking of. I still have a long way to go, but I'm at least part way on my journey. Before I started college, before I met Ian, I felt like I was stuck & my life was on freeze, a standstill of sorts. Now, even though my life & being a "big girl" is really, and I mean REALLY hard sometimes....it's worth every second. I'm growing and I am learning, and that was all I really wanted.

My little brother has taught me alot lately. He was in a terrible freak accident a few months ago & had to have emergency surgery (for like 8 hours..) and was in the ICU for a week. What happened to him was awful, and has altered his life in ways he didn't deserve. He doesn't feel good alot, and even though it's been months since it happened he still has pain. But he has never once taken the attitude of bitterness, and doesn't ask for pity from anyone. He still gets out of bed every morning, even if he is in intense pain-and goes to work. He's my baby brother but I look up to him for being so brave through all of this. I never really knew how precious life was, it was never as delicate as the day I had to sit waiting for him to get out of surgery. If anything good was to come from that, it is definitely that I-and the rest of my family became so aware of that, and how precious we are to each other. We may not always get along, but we are family & that is something so special.

So not all has been bad. It's been a whirlwind of a few months, but they have been so much fun too. My days off at my new job are pretty random, like Ian's schedule, so I get to see him alot more on my days off which I love. It doesn't matter how much time I get to spend with him it's never enough. I love that we are now alot more like an old couple, and I love that I am finally, FINALLY so comfortable with him I can relax. Not just in his presence, but in our relationship. I rarely ever stress about our future together, mainly because it looks pretty damn good, and I don't think he's going to break my heart like I pretty much freaked out about daily for the first year. I honestly didn't know I was capable of being this happy, and I didn't know I was capable of loving someone so much. When I first met him, I had a gut feeling that this would be special..but I could never have fathomed it would be this amazing

I hope you are all doing amazing! I love you all my darlings
~Ali

Ok so I know I haven't written on here in forever, and I don't even know if anyone still reads these...but I really feel like writting on here.

I just got back from my very last drawing class of the semester. It actually wasn't a normal class, but a crituque for our final project. And oh my gosh, it was the most intense, powerful, beautiful experience. Our project was a self portrait, and how we started this assignment was drawing something that is meaningful and important to us, and adding ourselfs into it somehow. At first I didn't know what to do-I couldn't think of anything significant enough to draw to tell the whole class about...but then I had this random idea of drawing myself walking down a path with my ipod on my back pocket, with pavers made of lyrics from songs that have had alot of significance in my life. I started the bottom of the path very dark, almost black, and the main paver had the lyrics to The Rolling Stones 'Wild Horses' song. When my grammy passed away and we flew back, I had that song on my ipod and I listened to it over and over again....and at the very end of the path I have the sun coming up, and the lyrics on the end are 'Here comes the sun' from the beatles.....it was an interesting, and freakin emotional drawing to have to do! ANd it was that way for everyone. Like 5 people cried while talking about their drawings and explaining the different elements of it, and it was just amazing, my teacher is amazing. She never tried to rush us, she never tried to make light of the moment when she saw her student starting to cry, she didn't try to put words in our mouths when we were trying to explain our art-no matter how small or silly something in the drawing was, she discussed it and crituqued it like you were looking at a work from Monet.
I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I don't know what I want to major in. I've decided that I don't love photography like I used to, and I've finally made peace with that. But I think that I might want to teach art-I'm not sure what kind of art I want to teach, but I know what kind of teacher I want to be. I want to be the kind of teacher like the ones I have been blessed with. It's funny, tonight when everyone was talking about their drawings and telling the story of them-because our teacher is the way that she is, it was like a safe enviroment to talk about them SO emotionally, so openly, and it being ok. I never really understood what that meant in art, or in a classroom for that matter, but tonight I learned. And hopefully someday if I become an art teacher I will also be able to create that kind of enviroment. I can't believe this semester is already over-I'm SO happy & sad about it all at the same time. But I'm happy for the expereinces I have had in these past 4 months, and I'm excited about the new ones I'm going to have. I still love you all even though none of you use your xanga's anymore! *Ali

oh..and p.s. I'm still with the most wonderful man alive, and veeeeeeeeeery much in love.

Today I helped shoot a wedding...normally its always alot of fun..but tonight...it was just frusterating. It kind of started out bad. I don't know what the heck I was thinking, but I took like an hour long shower..and when I got out I realised I had about 15 minutes to get ready..crap...so I hurried & got ready, but took another 10 minutes than I should have, so I was late. Then I forgot my film that I bought especially for this because I was in a hurry to get out of the house....so then I finally get to the event, and I swear she brought every peice of equiptment she owns, and I had to carry it all...and half of it wouldn't work, or somehow screwed up through the course of the evening. I had to lug around 5 big bags, help hall 3 different chairs & a big oak bench all over the place the wedding was at...THEN! they had the guests park the next road over (it was way out in the country at this ranch home in this big backyard) so they had buses take the people from the parking site to the wedding site. OK, so I was sent over to the parking site because that is where the gifts were at so I had to go shoot them...so I went & did that & it took alot longer than I had planned because I was fighting with the freakin camera the entire time...and then i get back on the bus to go back to the wedding site because its supposed to start in a few minutes & I was freaking out because she needed that camera.....and the bus wouldn't start. So I walked. And it was a ways away. And my shoes hurt.

Ok, whatever. I got back to the wedding site, did the usual stuff except this time everything was SOOO rushed. It seemed like the entire day we were in a time crunch. So we shoot the wedding, everything was okay, yada yada...then comes the reception. And it gets dark, very dark because we are out in the country...and they had no lights. Well, they had a few strands of Christmas lights in some of the trees, but that was about it. So everything I took was basically a soft focus, or overly washed out with a flash. It was so bad, you couldn't see your hand in front of your face, I'm not even exagerating. Ok, whatever, we made due....then comes the end of the evening, and the bride and groom are about to cut the cake. So I'm all in position & ready to take stuff & I hear the most awful thud noise. I turn around & see this crowd of people standing around the grandma who is laying flat on the concrete because she slippped and fell and imediately I wanted to either cry or throw up because that is what happened to my gradma. She ended up being ok, she just hit her head really hard, but no broken bones or anything.
So we finished the evening rushing around, fighting with the stupid digital cameras that wouldn't take anything or focus, and finished the generally frusterating day. So my lady photographer friend & i are in the car driving back to her place where my truck is at..and we had a random conversation about the roles of men & women in a marriage & in a home...and she has very conservative views. She basically thinks a women should stay home & do nothing more if she has children..and talked about submitting and obeying your husband. I have VERY strong beliefs about that that are VERY conflicting with that, so my blood was boiling. Whatever, I loaded up my stuff & started to drive home.

Then I talked to my boyfriend, and I melt. Its amazing how I can be in the absolute worst mood, have the crappiest stuff happening..and all I have to do is just talk to him & I feal 100 times better.  I told him about my coversation with her, and he just laughed. He knows my beliefs. He tells me to submit and obey him when he wants me to get all fired up. It's really stupid of him to do that, everytime he does he gets hit. haha

*yawn* I'm VERY tired now..........goodnight my lovelies